The New RED Team
by Gareth the Great
Summary: My first fic! What if the war between RED and BLU continued? Contains boring character development. Action will be later, I promise.
1. Chapter 1

Chunk chunk chunk(slant). The sound of gravel crunching leaked through Pyro's gasmask. He turned. " Mmphuh? MMPHHUH?" he shouted. Something... wasn't right. Footprints leading to the middle of the path and stopping, pointing forward parallel to the walls. Was that.. a puff of smoke? "Merde," said the puff.

Pyro aimed his flamethrower and out came the flaming napalm that incinerated the Spy.

"Mmuphuphupher." The Pyro sighed. A Spy trying to steal the intelligence? Blue was getting desperate. At first, there were Scouts: fast but unintelligent. Running in to the intel room, one after another. Did they not know the meaning of strategy? Speaking of Scouts, the night before while Sniper was scouting, she saw something. Pyro wondered when the Administrator had become an equal opportunity employer. Women could be just as insane as men, and insanity makes a good mercenary. Then there was an ubercharged Heavy that attempted to take out sentries and teammates. Pyro separated him easily from his Medic and he was killed almost immdiatley.

...

The match had ended early after an amazing capture by the Demowoman. When asked about it, she said in an out of tune sing-songey voice, "When you're high as kite, and you have to fight, the pot in my bong will grow you strong!" Red had seen few casualties: Engineer's respawner was near out of use. Pyro was one of the few who had died not once. Because of this, he also had a bullet stuck in his left buttock left unnoticed until he tried to sit down in the rec room. "FFPHUUPH!" he yelled, the scream muffled by his gasmask. Scout shot up from his seat. "The fuck is wrong with you, Pyro? Ya had me scared for a minute there. What's wrong?" This Scout was more polite than his predecessor, but his Boston accent said otherwise.

Instead of answering, Pyro dashed out of the room down the hall to Medic's office. On the way there Pyro noticed a picture of the RED team mercenaries posing behind a small card that said "RED 1969". They looked happy, their frozen laughs forever trapped in this photo. Pyro tried to remember to remind himself of where this was so he could look at it without this bullet in his ass.

When Pyro arrived at Medic's office he strained his eyes to look through the glass in the door. _There__ she__ was_, he thought. Pyro threw himself through the two doors and screamed at the top his lungs in (false) anguish. Medic dropped the charts she was holding and rushed over to help as Pyro "stumbled" and nearly fell. "What happened Pyro?"

"Mmuphumm!" he wailed and pointed to his rear. "Buuphet."

"Your bum? Oh, your _butt_."

"Phess." Pyro pointed again. "Bbuphet."

"How was this bullet still there after the battle? Did you use a dispenser?"

Pyro shook his head.

"Well, I guess I'll have to remove it surgically then."

Fuck. Pyro had bitten off more than he could chew. He was expecting _medigun_ treatment. He had forgotten, however, that mediguns weren't usable outside of battle. Pyro was afraid of needles and surgery and anesthesia and xrays. Fuuuuuck. And all he had wanted was for the incredibly attractive Scandanavian beauty that was Medic to feel bad for him.

...

Scout awoke to the sunlight shining in through the window of Sniper's camper. She got out of bed, careful not to touch Sniper. He was a very light sleeper. _Where__ the __fuck__ did__ I __put __my __shirt__? _Scout wondered. _Forget __it__, __I__'__ll__ just __borrow __one __of __Snipes__'. __He __has __got__ to__ have __a__ t__-__shirt__ somewhere__._ She checked his drawers for shirts. All Scout found was the same outfit he wore all the time. _Not __as __dirty__ as__ Spy __thought __he__ was__, __eh__? __Whatever_, she thought as she pulled a blue button down shirt from under a pair of brown slacks. "Wonder if he's got any Bonk?" Scout said out loud.

"I don't." Sniper sat up and yawned, covering his mouth as if raised by nuns and not the Australian Outback. "Morning, Annie."

"S'up Dave. Sooo, if you don't got any Bonk, where's your coffee maka'?"

Dave smiled. He enjoyed listening to her attempt to muffle her thick Bronx accent. "It's in the cupboard."

...

Pyro woke up in a medicbay bed. "Mediccc..." His mask! Where was it? "Hey, Medic! Medic?" His voice, coarse from past arsons, strained to reach a higher volume. He gave up and tried to roll over onto his left side. "Fuck!" He flipped back over and drifted back to sleep.

When he awoke again Medic was sitting on the edge of the bed. "Hello, sleepyhead!" She grinned at Pyro as she turned her head to look at him. "Finally decided to wake up, did you?" Pyro coughed out a meek "Yes" and almost immediately placed his hand on his flame-scared face. "Where's my ma-" He coughed.

"Your mask?" Medic looked puzzled. "Oh... it's on my table with the rest of you things."

"Can I...walk now? I mean, is the bullet gone?"

"Yeah, you can walk, but the bullet wound won't fully heal till I hit you with my Medigun beam."

"So it won't get healed until Monday?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

Medic pulled herself off the bed and stood up. She turned took a step, stopped, giggled, half-turned and said, "Looks like someone else woke up with you, he he."

Pyro started to look around then realized. "Ohhh." His already red face reddened even more.

...

Scout sat on one side of one of the two large couches watching Sniper destroy Heavy in a game of _Super__ Street__ Fighter__ 4. _He yawned. "Yo Courtney, you gonna give me a try anytime soon?"

"Well, I-" Sniper started.

"She cannot! Heavy has to beat her! One more match, _il __sara __facil__!"_ 1 Heavy's french broke into every thing he said. The Canadian had cheated his way through Rosetta's Stone.

"Andre, we all know I'll destroy over an' over again. That's just fact, innit?"

"_Non__, __je __gagner ai__! _Uh um... Heavy will win!"

"I'll play da winna then" Scout piped up, wanting this competitive talk to stop before it turned into foreplay. "That's fair, ain't it?"

The match started and almost as fast as it had started. Sniper jaw dropped. "I can't Adam and Eve2 it."

"Heav-y wins, Heav-y wins. Give Scout the controll-er." Andre sang, putting his accents on the wrong syllables.

"Hey ya dumb Brit, give it!"

"Eh eh, don't get your Alan Whickers in a bunch. Here." Sniper stood up, strolled over to Scout, and handed him the Dualshock. Then she turned and walked to Heavy, giving a small kiss on the cheek. "I'll be seeing you tonight. I'm sick of the kit kat shuffle3." Sniper left the rec room.

Scout was surprised. "Holy shit, you two are _fucking__?"_

"Oui" was all Heavy could say.

* * *

><p>1. It'll be easy!<p>

2. I will win

3. female masturbation


	2. Chapter 2

Spy quickly cloaked after his teammates left his sight. He wouldn't get any work done following his friends around. His job as the BLU spy required him to be a loner, and this showed in his personality. Spy had heard his predecessor was the embodiment of confidence. He, however, was not. Spy could fake things very well, though. Disguising and lying to people was in his job description. Scout was the only one who knew he was from Seattle, not Paris. The Partisan Spy was like his predecessor: suave, sophisticated while the Seattle Spy: neurotic, obsessive compulsive. It was fun pretending he was someone he was not.

...

"Shit, there's a Sniper up there! Watch my back, Heavy!" Scout span his lacrosse stick into position as he, Heavy and Medic hid behind a wall during a King of The Hill match. "Medic, you follow him."

Heavy answered with a determined "Yes!" paired with a nod and got up from his crouched position, clutching his large minigun while Medic, muttering something in Swedish about a "douchebag handing out orders," grabbed her medigun and stood.  
>"Got the asshole. Yeah!" Scout had beaned the sniper right in the head and he had fallen out of his perch window into the hole around the nucleus. Heavy and Medic advanced behind him. Medic noticed Pyro attempting to capture the point only to be shredded to pieces by the BLU Engineer's mini sentry guns. She laughed, looked down, and shook her head. "That boy..."<p>

…

Pyro was disappointed. Had he really died seven times? Only four kills? _Psssshaw__, _he thought. _I__'__ll__do__better__next__time__. __What__was__up__with__those__sentries__ ? __They__looked__like__those__things__in__Engie__'__s__ro__- __Shit__, __how__'__d__they__steal__it__that__fast__? __Maybe__their__spy__is__ar__-_

"Hi Pyro!" Medic smiled.

_Where__the__fuck__? _"Hrrey, Mmephiic."

"What's got you down, flame clown?"

_How__'__d__she__tell__I__was__sad_through_my__mask__?_

"It was how you held your body up. Shoulders stooped, slightly bent knees- plus, you were shaking your head at the scoreboard."

_What__!_ "Did you..." Pyro trailed off.

"No, I just knew what you would say."

There was a long silence. Pyro tugged at his mask, removing it. "So...uuh-"

"Sorry. Bye," Medic blurted out. She then turned quickly and stormed away.

_What__...__what__was__up__with__her__? __Weird__... _Pyro wondered. _Whatever__. _Pyro continued to review his performance. _23 __points__? __What__the__fuck__?_

…

_Two__days__ago__-_

Sniper walked down the darkened hall alone, heading outside to his camper van. _Tihp__Tihp__Tihp__!_ The sound of someone running appeared behind Sniper. He turned. "Hey!-Fucking spook." No one was there. Sniper was relieved. _Tihp__Tihp__Tihp__! _This time it was closer. It sounded like...sneakers. "Hey Don't fuck with me-I'll-" Scout crashed into him, clasping her hands behind his back. Sniper reeled back but kept his footing. "Dave! I.. can I.."

"What, sheila? Spit it out."

"Can I... sleep with you... in your van? Tonight. Please." Her voice, coming from behind Sniper's head, pleaded with him.

"Why?" Sniper enquired, interested.

"Heavy was...let's just leave it at that, okay?"

"Oh." Sniper understood. Nothing happened with Heavy-she just wanted to stay with him! _Cute__, _he thought. "Okay."

"Oooh, thank you, Snipa!" She gripped him harder. Sniper didn't mind, he thought it was cute. _Just__like__her__accent__._

…

_Today_

"Yo CourtNEY!" Scout yelled into the rec room. He walked into the room expecting to find Courtney, instead finding...Soldier sound asleep on the couch. _What__'__s__that__bitch__doing__here__? _he thought. _Whatever__. _Scout walked out. _Maybe__she__'__s__in__her__room__._ Scout walked down the hall to Sniper's door. He knocked on her door "Courtney! Got that new movie, uh, _Avatar_ in my room. Not the Shamalan-Shamalay-Shama...fuck it, I got a movie! Wanna like...watch it with me?" Scout got back nothing as a response. Nothing, except-_crying__? '_Cept it wasn't Sniper's. "Heavy?"

"Oui?" He could hear Andre's sniffling.

"Dude, you okay?"

"No, I can't find Sniper! She-she-she-" His wails overtook his attempts at speech. Results include: babbling like a baby, crying till Scout's ears hurt, bawling like a baby.

"Let me in."

"It's open."

Scout walked in.

"HHAARRGH!" Sniper jumped out of the closet and grabbed Scout from behind.

"What the fuck- Hey Courtney."

"Hey." She laughed.

Heavy stood up, singing "We punked you, we punked you. Ha-ha."

"Heavy, how the fuck you did ya cry so well?"

"Heavy thought of when _ma__mere_died. It long story. Don't want to talk about it."

"Oh."

Sniper let go of Scout. "Lets go see the Avatar thing- oouup, I'm peanut smuggling1."

"What?"

…

1. having prominently erect nipples


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Shorter, maybe i rushed it, blah, lots of fbombs and awkward engineers

...

Soldier stood at the end of the hall, gripping her final rocket to be loaded. She saw Scout run towards the final point, clutching his lacrosse stick. "He should never bring a lacrosse stick to the battlefield, war is not a game," she whispered to herself. "That coward..."

Suddenly there was a **crash** and there was the BLU Pyro, flying through a window, swinging his axe down from over his head! Soldier dodged the attack, sidestepped, and swung her **rocket ****launcher** at the pyro. He was thrown across the room. Soldier gripped her rocket launcher and fired at the pyro, striking him in **midair****.** He blew into pieces, the blood staining the walls around the explosion. "Axes are not wartime weapons, sissy! Pick up a **real **gun" She could feel her father's teachings coming back in her head.

…

"Holy fuck, my KDR is like, really fucking nice!" Scout's face was genuinely impressed. He looked at the rest of the board. "Ooohh," he said, shaking his head, "One kill, four deaths. Medic, no offense, but you suck." Medic mumbled something in Swedish about "teamwork" and "flaming douchebags." Soldier pushed through the two of them and broke in with "Score does not matter as long as you are helping your team."

"I guess fighting for your team is better than fighting for country, eh, Soldier?" Medic was interested in Soldier's reaction.

"It's not the same. One is fighting for pay, while one is-"

"Killing innocents for pay?"

Soldier was silent. Finally she spoke up. "You wouldn't understand, Viking." Soldier turned and marched away.

"Eh, Medic, you didn't have ta go political an' shit an' scare her aw-" Scout stopped. Medic had put her glove to her face and was shaking it. "You okay, Medic? You guys sync up or something?"

Medic moved her hand from her face and giggled quietly. "You know, I am on the rag. Don't know about her-" She burst out laughing. " he he he-though. I just-"

"No, you don't gotta answer. You know I don't care. As long as you're laughing, Medic."

"Thanks, Scout."

…

Dave sipped his coffee and sat back against the wall of his camper van watching _Lucky __Star_ on his laptop. "Oh Konata, you lazy fuck." _Knock__knock__knock__knock__! _The knocking increased in volume gradually. "Scout! Scout! Sheila, the door's open! Sheila!"

The handle to the door jangled the wrong way for a bit, then Scout flipped it over the other way and finally got in. "Hey Sniper." She noticed Sniper in front of his laptop. "Watcha doing?" She leapt onto his bed and, after bouncing once, she positioned her head to look at the screen. "Little anime girls dancin' in short skirts. I did not know you were into that shit, Dave."

"I'm not, It's not like that, uh ." Sniper gave a nervous laugh, closing the lid, but not before pausing the video.

"Freak."

"Bitch. So...why are you here?"

She sat up. "No reason."

_What__the__fuck__? _"You never have a reason, Penny."

She leaned against Sniper and laid her head on his shoulder. "Don't need one, Dave." Scout ran her hand over his upper legs.

…

Engineer leaned back from her mini sentry. She sighed. _How__ am __I __supposed __to__ learn__ how__ to __build __this__...__this__ thing __without __plans__? _Engineer had had to rework the whole design so it would be different from that _pendejo _BLU Engineer's, which he _stole__._ _Pendejo_.

"Hey, Engie? You th-oh shit." He had forgotten to knock. Pyro remembered teammates getting chewed out for interrupting her peace. He coughed. He knocked, slowly but surely.

"Yes, Pyro?" Engineer stood up.

"I got dinner here-you missed it again." She opened the door. There stood Pyro-gasmask-less, shirtless, suit-less, _shirtless__._

"Thanks." She shivered.

"Okay...so. By-oh wait, did you get any work done on the inhaler?"

"_Si__, _I did." She walked back into the room, fumbled through a box of stuff and came out with one metal thing. Then she walked to the other side of the room and bent over-Pyro tried not to stare, _Think __of__ Medic__, __Think __of __Medic__, __Medic__...__OH__CRAP __It __got__ bigger__-_

"Here." She traded him the inhaler thing for the dinner plate.

"How do I use this thing?"

She put down the plate and grabbed the inhaler. "You see, this goes in your mouth, and you pump this. Come back for refills."

"Cool. Thanks..." She handed Pyro the inhaler.

"See you lateeeeeerrrrrr."

"Bye." She slammed the door, but then opened it again. "I didn't slam it too hard, did I? I didn't mean to- It wasn't-I...I...um..."

Pyro rubbed the nape of his neck, laughing nervously through his teeth. "I get it, Engie."

"Oh. Good. 'Cuz I meant-oh shit." Pyro had walked down the hall, puffing his inhaler.

…

"So you're a fucking sackdoll, like that _9(1) _thing?" Sniper laid sprawled on the love seat, her legs over one armrest. Scout sat on the coach next to Heavy with a Dualshock in his hands, playing _Little __Big __Planet__ 2._

"That movie make Heavy sad. Why toys made if they almost all die?"

"Well, it's-I-I don't fucking know Heavy."

"It's...each puppet is a significant part of da Scientist's identidy." Scout's voice took a solemn tone. "Like, 7's the feminine part an' stuff."

"Woah."

"Andre understand now! Thank you, Scout!" Heavy grabbed Scout into a savage bear hug.

Just then, Soldier walked into the rec room.

"Hey!" Scout pushed himself out of the hold. "Don't get gay on me Heavy! Soldier...I wasn't...goddammit." Scout slapped his hand to his face and sighed.  
>Sniper sang "Scout's an ass-bandit(2)!" over and over again.<p>

Soldier shook her head and walked out.

"Goddammit, goddammit, god-fucking-dammit! I fucking _hate_ you guys!"

Heavy and Sniper's laughing grew even louder. "Omifuckinggosh I'm...I'm gonna die." Sniper's legs flew up and flew back and forth past each other in tune with her laughter. She started hiccupping. Heavy's loud deep laughs resonating throughout the room. Scout leaned back into the couch, his face burning.

…

1. the only movie that ever made me cry, till _Toy__Story__ 3_ at least

2. if you don't get this omifuckinggosh im gonna die


End file.
